Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
You Might Also Like
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.