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She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages