Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
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BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Has there ever been a more American story?
How to properly lift a body
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.