went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
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cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
That time Alicia messaged me
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
this is the best day of my life
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life