Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
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A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
But is it really??
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
when you are just born a rebel
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?