When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
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Raisins are grape jerky.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan