You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
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Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Passed by a old school Math example today.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
Not now. I’m deglazing.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
#damn
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.