FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
You Might Also Like
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
relationship goals
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully