horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
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Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
This made me chuckle.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.