My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
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Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.