“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
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A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
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Expectations vs. Reality
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.