There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
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No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
(more comics:
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.