pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
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*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.