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Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long