To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
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I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Happy thanksgiving
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.