Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
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I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Hero horse inspires millions
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.