Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
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What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
WWE is French for “yes”
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
how to have an accident 101
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.