Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
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Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.