The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
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My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?