BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
You Might Also Like
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?