The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
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Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!