Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
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Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I don’t know what to do
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved