banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
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The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
I WON A HAM TODAY
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Plant care tips
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”