As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
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I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping