Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
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my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Anime is real
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
mariah carrie
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.