Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
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I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
My sex drive has a dui
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Lmao 🤣
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
🙀🙀🙀😹
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.