Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
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The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Children of the corn 🌽
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*