“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
You Might Also Like
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
i meant to share this earlier
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise