Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
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Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
My time has come.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do