I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
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a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.