[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
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The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.