Plant care tips
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4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
🙁
12653.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that