[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
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I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
#catsoftwitter
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
A dead goose is called a ghoost