[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
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Me after 1 airport cocktail:
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
I have many caverns
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
i want to work in this restaurant
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination