No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
You Might Also Like
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo