Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
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Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.