You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
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GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
how was your vacation
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
How funny!
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.