I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
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Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
These are too funny not to post 😂
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
This will teach them to underestimate me
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig