me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
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I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”