I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
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ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still