Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
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Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
When I laugh on my period
I’m Sold!
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.