*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
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not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.