My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
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me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
i’m still crying at this
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.