If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
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Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
when you are just born a rebel
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!