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I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Me too
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face