DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
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Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
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[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
When I laugh on my period