“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
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I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.