Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
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I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.