There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
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Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.