Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
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*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
When you’re Kinky but poor
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed